The problem of the body. A grewsome tale by Charles Roberts

          “How does one get rid of a body?”  She asked her father suddenly.

          “That would depend on how big the body is.”  He answered thinking.

          “All right.  Just say I want to get rid of you.  How would I do it?”  She enquired.

          “Well I weigh about thirteen stone, how much do you weigh?”  Wondering where this was leading.

          “Nine and half stone.”

          “Do you think that you could lift me as I am?”

          “I might be able to, but it would take all my strength.”

          “Right!  Now imagine that I was dead and lying in the floor.  Do you think that you would be able to pick me up then, remembering that there are no handles to grab hold of?”

          “No!  I don’t think that I could.”

          “Right!  So what do you think that you could do?”

          “I don’t know, give me some ideas.”

          “Well you could cut me up into smaller pieces which are not too heavy for you to move and put them into plastic rubbish bags.”

          “Then what?”

          “Put them in the car and dump them out in the country, but not all together, spread them about a bit, say over a hundred or two hundred yard area.  Wood land would be good then you could cover them with leaves so they wouldn’t be found.  The plastic would eventually break down and the insects and bugs would get rid of any flesh just leaving the bones.”

          “But how would you cut them up?  What could you use?  A saw?”

          “A saw would be too messy.  The best way would be to joint then, like a butcher joints his meat.  You could take the limbs off, you know the arms and legs.  You cut through at the joints.  The shoulder and hip.  Then you could cut through the neck……”

          “But what would you use?”

          “A very sharp knife.  Something like a kitchen or carving knife would do the job.  To cut through the neck you could go through the discs between the vertebras.  Then you could cut through the body just above the pelvis and go for one of the discs in the spine.  That would be the worst though.”

          “Why?”

          “Well there are all the guts, the intestines which will be full of half-digested food and will stink.”

          “And just bag them up and spread them out in the woods, covering them with leaves to make them harder to find?”

          “That’s correct.  Tell me.  Why do you want to know?  Who have you killed and want to get rid of?” He said laughing

          “Oh.  Just my husband.  He’s only about ten stone though, but I can’t pick him up.  I waited for him to get into the bath and slit his throat so that all the blood drained out of him.  That should make it less messy when I start to cut him up to dispose of him, and of course the blood went down the drain with the bath water.