The cookery lesson. By Montague J. Montague

 

Good morning class. I’m Mr Stevens and this morning I’ll be teaching you how to make a simple omelette. So for this you’ll three eggs, a bowl, a whisk or fork, some salt, and….

Yes er… Henry. No it doesn’t matter whether you use a whisk or a fork.

 A small….

You can use either Mandy it doesn’t….

It’s up to you which

I know I am the teacher.

Alright use a fork.

Well you use a whisk Henry.

Yes you can too Mandy.

The rest of you use a fork.

There should be enough pans to go round.

Not that one Richard, that’s a Paella pan. You want one of these, yes that’s right, and some oil.

No I don’t think the oil from your dad’s garage will do Henry. We use cooking oil here.

Now put the eggs into the bowl.

No I meant break the eggs.

Just tap the egg on the rim of the bowl gently.

Yes I’ll get you another bowl Henry.

Plastic would be better I agree Mandy.

Gently tap them on the edge and empty the shells into your bowl.

You want the eggs in your bowl not the shells. When you’ve done that beat them.

You’re not supposed to put the shell in as well Henry.

Start again and try not to.

Well you’ve only got half a shell in there.

No don’t use your fingers use….

Well I think you’re right they did come before forks.

Now beat the eggs

Not with your fists Henry use the fork.

Oh right you’re using a whisk. Well use that then.

Not too hard now.

I’ll get you another bowl Mandy and please be more gentle.

Have you all beaten your eggs?

I can see you have Richard.

Now add a pinch of salt and pepper.

Do you like salt Henry?

Well that’s fine, it’s all down to taste but I think a handful is a bit much.

When you’ve done that I want you to light the gas. There’s a box of matches here.

Er….What’s the problem Geoffrey.

If you use the red end they work better.

Just the one. Yes ten work as well as one Mandy. Now adjust the flame to medium

Henry I think sixteen small flames are better that one that’s burning the roof

That’s right put the diffuser back on.

Turn the gas off first. We don’t want any accidents do we?

Place the pan over the gas and dribble in a few drops of oil.

No Henry the pan not the….

Yes they are pretty coloured flames aren’t they?

Pardon Ann! What do you mean you’ve no oil left?

Perhaps I didn’t make it clear. Just a few drops dear not the whole bottle.

Now the rest of you just wait for your pan to heat up while I

deal with this.

You can tell when it’s hot enough because the oil flows. It isn’t in droplets.

No Gregory don’t put your hand in the pan.

Well it was hot wasn’t it? let’s get this under cold water.

You just stand there with your hand……

Throw this wet tea towel over it and turn the gas off.

Yes oil does burst into flame when it gets too hot.

How is your hand now?

What do you mean burning?

Hold it under the cold tap.

Now the pans look ready pour the beaten eggs into it.

Take the whisk out first Mandy

Yes dear I know the handle has melted.

You’ll just have to start again.

Gently stir the eggs in the….

That’s alright Henry, I’m sure what you have left in the pan will be fine, and the cooker will clean

When it’s looking cooked take the pan handle in your left hand and lift it slightly.

That was a bit much.

Try not to slip on it won’t you.

You’ve hit your head; just sit there quietly for a minute.

Now gently tap the handle with the heel of your right hand.

Yes you can swap hands if you’re left handed Mandy.

And with the fork gently roll the omelette down the pan onto

Well Gregory yours has come out flat that’s all.

Don’t hit the ……

I’ll get you another plate Henry.

And now you can all taste them.

I don’t think that’s a good idea Mandy.

Well it’s only ten o clock and you don’t go home ‘till five.

I’m sure they will reheat in a micro-wave but they won’t taste…

And you want to take yours home as well.

What I’ll do is we’ll make another on Friday when I have you last lesson and you can all take.

You always have fish on a Friday Mandy.

Well I’m sure your parents won’t mind.

They will.

Well I think that on this occasion…

You’re sure they will.

I’ll get some foil then.