The Swimming Instructor. A Monologue By Montague J Montague

 

Good morning Mrs Harrison. I’m Neville your instructor. How are you today?

Nervous well that’s good.  Can I ask you why you want to learn to swim?

Your husband has just had a pool built. 

Well that’s a good reason and you don’t want to see it unused. Yes that’s another……

And the grandchildren swim like fish so you don’t want to be left out.    Well Mrs Harrison…..

Pardon! You have a slight problem.

And what’s that Mrs Harrison? 

You’re afraid of water.

There’s no need Mrs…

In fact you’re terrified of water…..

Well Mrs Harrison you drink tea yes?

..No you only drink coffee.  

Well that’s made with….made with milk! 

Cow’s milk is……only goat’s milk.   

Why’s that…..You’re allergic to cow’s milk……

OK. Fine but you take a bath don’t you? 

You just shower!   

Well Mrs Harrison you know when you’re standing in the shower tray and you put your heel in the plug hole; the tray starts to fill up.  

You can’t lie down in a shower tray!  

Well no you can’t Mrs Harrison but……

And you have a wet room not a shower tray.    

Well you know when your heels in….

The plug hole is at the other end of the wet room.

You can’t reach it…..Just imagine you can Mrs….

Yes your legs would have to be longer.  

Well imagine they are.    

And you’d have to taller…..

Well you…..Yes you could be slimmer Mrs…

Even a body like Marilyn Monroe.

You can be any shape you want in your imagination Mrs Harrison.  

Just imagine you’ve got your heel in the plug hole. 

Yes you’re eight stone and six feet tall with an hour glass figure.  

The tray is filling up……

You can even have Robert Redford as your husband yes Mrs Harrison…

Imagine that you just fall forward so that…..

Yes gracefully.  

I’m sure that you won’t hurt yourself Mrs….

No the water will cushion your fall and you will float. 

I promise you, you won’t sink Mrs Harrison.       

You have another problem.   

Oh! What’s that then Mrs Harrison?  

Well I can see that a wooden leg would be a bit of.

I wouldn’t have known if you hadn’t!  

Your husband made it for you. That’s nice Mrs Harrison. 

From an old table leg.  

That’s fine Mrs Harrison I can’t even see the join.

He must be very good with his hands.

Oh! He’s an accountant.

No Mrs Harrison. I have one. 

Yes he is good thank you. 

Oh! It’s made from solid oak that’s good Mrs Harri…….

I think we should get in the pool now.     

You go first I’ll be right behind you. 

No I won’t let you fall Mrs…..

Yes I know how to life save Mrs…

That leg does float doesn’t it?  

This might be a little difficult but not……

Don’t panic Mrs Harrison I haven’t lost a student yet….

I know there is always a first time but this isn’t….

I can assure you Mrs….

I have no desire to see you drown Mrs Harrison…

Now face down in the water…

Not that far Mrs…

You see I was right here….

Now hands together…

Yes like you’re praying...

Push your arms forward then bring them down and to the side Mrs…. That’s good Mrs Harrison I’ll stand back a bit while you practice doing….

Because you hit me Mrs Harrison…

Well I’d rather not say where….

Well it’s a tender spot Mrs…

That’s alright now on your own. 

I’m right here Mrs Harrison……

I think you have the arm movements... now the legs Mrs Harrison……

Think how a frog swims Mrs Har……

I know you’re not a frog Mrs Harrison….

Just think how one swims with its….

Maybe a frog wasn’t a good example Mrs….

No I’m not saying you look like a.   

Just watch me Mrs Harrison then you copy alright…….

Mrs Harrison!    Mrs Harrison! 

Oh god I thought I’d lost you.

Please remember to breathe….

I know I didn’t say anything about that……

I just thought that you’d……

Same time tomorrow Mrs Harrison?