Palomares or Excuse me Mr President by Pugh R. Whimsey

 Spain is demanding that the US removes the contaminated soil around the area of Palomares where three of its plutonium bombs fell in 1966; two of which exploded, contaminating the soil of a crop growing area.

“Mr President… Mr President Sir… you need to see this sir… it’s a direct stream from a Television News Broadcaster in Spain.”

“Jeez John, if this is some gardening program that’s the wife’s department.”

“No Mr President this is about Spain demanding the removal and safe storage of Plutonium contaminated Spanish soil sir.”

“Jesus John, we pour billions of dollars into these tin pot South American countries and they can’t even pay us back by speakin’ English.”

“Spain isn’t in South America sir, Spain’s in Europe.”

“Europe...? That’s France isn’t it John?”

“Not exactly Mr President, France is in Europe sir, along with Spain, Germany, Italy an’ a host o’ other little countries.”

“So what the hell's their contaminated soil got to do with us John, why they expectin' us to clean up their mess?”

“Well actually sir, it’s our mess. It’s our Plutonium.”

“The hell you say John, the bastards stole our Plutonium?”

“No Mr President, it was our Plutonium, our bombs sir. When the bombs exploded they contaminated the soil in the region.”

“They stole our Plutonium and built bombs, now they want us to clean up their friggin’ mess? Serve the bastards right John, it's their mess.

“Not exactly Mr President, we had something of a blip you might say, a minor incident at the time Sir, one of our bombers collided with its refuelling plane, causing it to drop four nuclear bombs in the area. One was out to sea, but three landed at this place Palomares sir, two exploded, releasing Plutonium which has contaminated the soil, now Spain is demanding we remove the contaminated soil as it’s a salad crop growing area.”

“Hell John this is serious, we’ve just bombed Spain? Jesus Christ, does the United Nations know about this yet? Have we sacked the pilot?

“No Mr President this happened back in 1966.”

“1966, and they haven't noticed it 'til now? Hell John, that's downright negligent. Then again, these kinda accidents happen, I don’t see how we can be blamed after all this time.”

“Well actually they did notice Mr President, but we told them it’d all be OK.”

“Goddam it John, who do these people think they are, with their friggin' demands. I tell you John, Putin wouldn’t put up with it. When Uganda wouldn’t play ball, old Vladimir didn’t just sit on his hands an do nothin’, he got off his arse an’ invaded.”

“Putin didn’t invade Uganda Mr President, he invaded Ukraine.”

“He invaded Spain! Jesus John, why didn’t anybody tell me?”

“No Mr President, he's invaded Ukraine.”

“Ukraine as well... Have they got contaminated soil there too John?”

“No Mr President, but Vladimir’s workin’ on it.”

“Thank God for that John, maybe he can clean up Spain too. Is it time for

my milk ‘n’ cookies, and my afternoon nap yet John?”

“Close Mr President.”

“I need it John, it’s been one hell of a day, this being President is damn exhaustin’. You got my pills and my Teddy Bear?”