Julia- a short story by Vic Davey

 

Political Rumblings.

Charles Roberts

“Good morning Prime Minister, the Taoiseach of Ireland is on line two for you.”

“Who?”

“The Prime Minister of Ireland, Sir.”

“Good morning Fergal, how are things over there in Ireland……?    What’s that……?      Oh I know the feeling old man……  I seem to be unpopular as well, and I don’t know why…..  I mean we’ve done popular things, but the peasants still hate me….  I mean we’ve raise taxes and cut benefits, that’s what they asked for, well strictly speaking they didn’t ask for their taxes to be raised, but we sort of promised it …..      What’s that….?      Go to war….!      No I don’t think so old man….      Yes I know that it can be popular with the peasants, but we’ve had two Prime Ministers who did just that.  One was so popular that she got re-elected, the other was thrown out and called a war criminal.  When you start something like that you have to be sure that the peasants will be with you; otherwise you could end up out of office and looking for a position with the United Nations and I hate the bloody Yanks.  I mean America would be great a country if it wasn’t for the people.  I can’t go anywhere and buy a drink.  They all think that my accent is cute.  I suppose that you get the same…… 

What’s that…..!      Oh they think that you’ll know their family tree do they?  Well there are a lot of Irish over there.  They are a lovely people, just a pain in the……      Oh you’re in trouble with your great unwashed as well are you?  I just can’t understand it all.  You’re elected by them because they think that you will give them what you promised, then once you get into power they turn against you because you don’t keep your promises.  Don’t they realise that a politician will say just about anything to get voted into power.  I sometimes feel that the peasants are more than a bit thick…..      Well most of them didn’t go to private schools you know, or to university.  And everyone knows that the only place that you can get a decent education is a private school followed by a couple of years at a university, gaining a degree is just a bonus.  I mean a bank will take you on just on the reputation of your family name, or who you know, they don’t care whether you have a good education or not.  Half of my bloody cabinet are ex-bankers……      No Fergal.  That’s Bankers with a B.  Mind you judging on their performance lately most of them are the other thing as well.

If the truth be told Fergal we are in the deep sh……      I agree old man, but what can we do?  If we don’t pull something out of the bag then we’ll both be out of jobs after next year’s elections, and I find Downing Street rather comfortable, I’d hate to leave after only four years.  I mean the wife and I have just spent two hundred thousand pounds on redecorating the place…...      What…..?      Yes and bought that king sized bed for twenty thousand, thanks for reminding me…..    Yes then there’s Chequers and all the entertaining and travel, do you know that I’ve put three stone on since I started this job, I must get a dog to walk, or join a gym or something.

What!  You’re going to do what…..!      On a weekend…..?      You have to be joking old man…..      You’re going to invade where….?      My god Fergal have you completely lost your marbles…..?      That is political suicide, they’ll string you up from the nearest lamppost.  Think this over Fergal for pities sake think this over….     What….!      You’ve already given the order!  But why old man.  This makes things very difficult for both of us.  Look!  Fergal did you have to choose……  But couldn’t you have gone for one of the Scottish islands, there must be an uninhabited one near to you…..      Oh yes I suppose Northern Ireland does get in your way somewhat…. But did you have to choose the Isle of Man to invade…?        Why?  Why are you going to invade anyway…..?     You’re going to what….?  Hold the island for ransom…..!    What on earth for……?      For Northern Ireland…..!      But that doesn’t make any sense Fergal.  Why do you want to hold the Isle of Man for ransom…..?      Because you want Northern Ireland back……   But Northern Ireland is still in the EU Fergal, it is almost part of your country as it is……      I know that it might be popular with the unionists……, but I don’t think that it’ll be long before they get fed up with the present situation and ask for unification anyway…..      Because we’ve had to put boarders in……      I know about the Good Friday agreement, and what was said, but it was the only way out of the hole we dug for ourselves…..       You realise that I’ll have to give the orders too.  Hell Fergal.  This could be political suicide for the both of us…..      You do of course realise that my Army will have shoot at yours…….      Yes of course they’ll use bullets…..      What…..!     Of course they’ll be real bullets, that’s if we have any, I’ll have to check.  I’ll have to check that we have some real guns as well….      What…?      Yes I know that you’ve seen them on the trooping of the colour, but they’re plastic, they’re not real. It’s just for show, you know that we British are the best in the world for pomp and ceremony like that…..      What….!      Because health and safety won’t let the men carry real guns and bayonets in case, they injure themselves and sue……      I know they look real, but I can assure you that the guns are plastic and the bayonets are rubber….   Yes, I can find out where we get them from, that’s not a problem…...    

You realise that if we have any guns and bullets that men could end up being killed….  That is war Fergal, people get killed….  What….!      Couldn’t the troops meet where….?  In a pub?  Why…..?  So that they could just settle it over a game of darts and a drink….  And then my lads march your lads down to the docks and see them on to the ships back to Ireland….!  And that way; what Fergal…...?  We can both say that we’ve won…...?  How do you work that one out….?      You can say that it was a tactical withdrawal, and what do I say…..?      That we’ve driven you off the island.  Do you really think that that would work Fergal?  In this day and age when everyone has a camera on their mobile ‘phone and thinks that they are Steven Spielberg.  We’ll have to make it look real…  Hell Fergal, you’ve created a right mess now.  And then there’s the problem of getting the troops over to the island….      No we don’t have any spare ships….      Because we had a massive defence cut and don’t have much of a Navy now…      I know that we have that massive new aircraft carrier, but we don’t have any planes for it.  The French are flying from it at the moment.  I’ll just have to order the requisitioning of all the Isle of Man ferries to carry the troops over…      What….?      Yes we still have an air force, although it doesn’t have any aeroplanes.  Well we do have a Second World War Lancaster bomber and a few Spitfires I think.  

Look.  Couldn’t we just say that both our countries are carrying out a joint exercise on the island to show solidarity and friendship of our two nations……?       Yes.  And after the elections next year, I’ll save you a seat at the United Nations building…..      Oh you think that you’ll stand for the European parliament.  Lucky you, I don’t have that option open to me anymore…..      Pardon…...! Yes I know that I campaigned to leave, but I only did that because someone suggested that it could be popular.  I didn’t really want to leave the EU.  All that cheap wine and cheese, all those Eastern Europeans working in the health service and driving our lorries.  Still I might be asked if I want a Knighthood by my successor…..      Yes.  Take care Fergal. Unless I hear from you before. I’ll order my troops to go in sometime tomorrow afternoon, if I can get them back from their weekend away, Bye old man.

John!  Get me the Minister for defence on the ‘phone will you, that’s if he’s not away on holiday again.  Oh and the Chiefs of staff.”  What a bloody mess.      Any tea going?      Anyone!      Do I have to get it myself?      I am the bloody Prime Minister you know.      You should all be bowing and scraping to me; after all I decide how much of a pay rise you get, well I don’t personally, but do I approve it, well parliament approves it, but I sign it.